I Let Go of the Pain

Many of you have known me for a long time but I have only allowed a few people to know of this pain I have held for so long. I write this to be an encouragement to many men who have gone through and struggled with this and not allowing themselves to heal from it. As men, we can never understand what a women goes through when she suffers loss through an abortion. We can only feel the loss of what we could have had if this procedure had never happened. So, I want to share with you some of what I felt and how I was able to finally have some closure dealing with the loss of what “L” and I believe was our daughter.

Standing in front of a memorial with a dear friend of mine (who I will call L); I was able to face a pain I had been holding for over 30 years. (I am about to be very transparent with you. I pray this might help someone else who has allowed a pain or hurt to continue to overwhelm.) As she and I stood there looking at a name of an unborn child (our daughter who we know is with the Father) who had been aborted by two young and scared individuals, I could not help to think what she would be doing if she were still with us. It is so hard to explain our feelings and thoughts as she and I stood there praying and once again asking God to forgive us and asking each other to forgive one another. Both of us had at one time asked God to please forgive us, both of us had had our own separate memorial service in our own ways for our daughter not knowing the other one had done the same; both of us had not spoken to each other and had gone our separate ways for over 30 years. She got married and had two beautiful children; I got married and have an awesome son. But over those 30 years I had continued to blame myself for allowing her go through with the abortion. Both of us were very young and did not want to go through the ridicule of us having a child out of wedlock. Understand, I am not excusing what we did I am only explaining our thoughts during this time in our life. Both of us are now strong pro-life supporters and believe that life starts at conception. I had shared this pain with my wife and she was so understanding and would time to time try to help me when I would have one of my moments. I would try to get up enough courage to go by the home of L when I found out where she lived to ask for forgiveness but could never do it. Then one day, I made up my mind to go by her moms house to see if L was there that day and she said she was at her own home and she took me by there. I will never forget when she came to the door and saw me. I did all I could to hold back the tears, I know that she had not told her mom about what we had been through. I can remember sitting there in her and her mom in the den and the small talk we were sharing and all of a sudden I was overwhelmed by emotion and had to ask L for forgiveness. Of course her mom was sitting there wondering what just happened but L and I knew what this was about. After I left the house that day I did not see L again for another 5 years. Still  dealing with the pain, I had not felt a release (of course you need to understand there will be a pain there for the rest of my life, but it is more bearable). I was on Facebook one night and there was a friend request from L (You also need to know that my wife is ok with L and really loves her). I sent her a message and at a point in our conversation she told me about the memorial she had made for our child. I was numb and did not know how to respond to this for a moment and then like a flood of water, I broke like I had never broken before. I actually could have the opportunity to go to the memorial of our daughter with the person I had almost had a child with. This was finally as close to closure that I have ever been.  Now having a since of real forgiveness in my life I can know one day I will see my daughter and know that I am not the awful person I had grown to live with and hid from for so many years.

Sometimes we make decisions in our lives that put us on possible paths of devastation and chaos: Sometimes we make decisions to save face when in reality we are doing nothing more that hiding our face: Sometimes we make decisions out of panic and move on our own panic thoughts and have to live with those decisions for the rest of our lives. No matter what decisions you have made that have caused pain or hurt, NOW is the time to move to a place of forgiveness and pray for a door to be opened for you to get as close to closure and peace as soon as you can. Do not allow fear to keep you from facing the very thing that causes your hurt or your pain. Give yourself opportunities to talk about your hurt. Go to the person who hurt you and tell them you forgive them. No, I do not know what you have been through but whatever you have been through there is a real peace you can find without having to hide from it or suppress it. I can assure you, living for over 30 years with the decision “L” and I made has not been easy. But I can now face her; face God and one day face Ruth Elaine (her name). God is waiting to help you and there are people who are waiting to help you as well. Blessings and Love you all, r

Should you know of someone who has gone through this and need some help in closure, please have them to email me at r-kholt@att.netImage

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